So yet again i believe i promised to be around more.. and yet again... I have not!
Indeed I still live! Indeed! Indeed so..

Well as only one person really reads these, a'thank you Solo! I'll make it brief as not to consume your time.

My page has done all but grow wings and fly. Its been barren for who knows how long. I've been busy with other-wordly things! I love making space scapes and doing artsy stuff but i fear its just not in me! Dear man! I'm more drawn to dreams and obsession with the stars above, hence the old space scapes i drew! And as i become more and more drawn to it i find myself drifting away from painting them to learning of them. I've picked up several books to munch down on and learn through. Hopefully through this "month" i'll get through as many as I can! From the string theory, to relativity, and distant galaxies hoorah! Good stuff. I don't understand how people can't find it ungodly interesting... yet other's can't figure out why I have no interest in automobiles and football. Ah well!

So got over that damn depression and things have been fairly better.. internally that is.. externally? Not so much, but at least I'm in a good mood today. Decided to pull some "out-of-the-ordinary" stuff such as walking instead of driving, getting up at a different time, staying away from electronics (for the most part!), etc etc.. and it seems to be working! Guess if anyone's feeling depressed I'd suggest fresh air and sunshine for a day and see if anything changes. Seems to help me!


Welp.. thats... about it! So see you all around! (all 1 of you )

So i know i promised to be around more.. but my activities have taken me apart from art.. 3D modeling, and Photoshop alike.. its just not in my routine anymore, and I apologize to any of those who find interest in reading these on my page.
But on a different note, i've been feeling done recently. Thats the easiest way to put it. Done. It feels like a bright depression, if thats anything to be understood.
I'm tired of getting up day after day and going to bed day after day. I'm tired of dreaming and going through the days. Its not that i'm "sick" of life or hate my life, because i truly don't! I'm not going to go off and run a blade down my wrists because i hate myself or anything like that, no. But i just... don't feel right. I kinda wish i could just disapear for a while. Retreat to a world of nothingness and sleep. I don't care for how long.. if its an eternity or a few hours.. but i just want to escape somewhere. I'm not stressed out with life either.. so i really don't know where its coming from..

The best i can describe it is that i feel finished. I feel done with life.. as if i've served my purpose. I feel accomplished in one way or another.. I don't know what i've accomplished or finished... but i still feel that way. The voice in the back of my head says nothing but makes me feel as though my purpose is done and i should take my leave. But as to what that means i don't know. How it makes me feel is that tomorrow or the next day i shouldn't expect to wake up.. But once again i will remind the reader.. thats not a suicide threat. I have no use for that term, as it doesn't apply to me. I'm happy, truly.. I just feel i've served my purpose in some way or form.. without reason.
I see all my friends, and my family and i just feel different as a person. Not a bad feeling, but its not a good one. I just feel seperated.. as if i'm not supposed to be there anymore. I was, but not now. I see them in a different place than me, even though they're standing right next to me.

I don't know what it means and what i should think of it.. but its just been bothering me. I suppose this is as good a place as any to unload it. So thanks for reasding.

Well, i've noticed as usual i haven't been really active, i've been submitting here n' there before logging off until the next submission. Well... I'm going to try and be more active! Soloact has been generous enough to keep up to par on things and whether or not he lives for DeviantArt he's still making an effort! So i'm going to push to be more active!

So with that out of the way i move onto the life spew!

So with the economy getting tighter and tigher finances in this home are getting to be really really thin. Money is going out the door faster than it is coming in and its really starting to scare me for once. It started up about two months ago when an occupant in the home lost their job (though luckily not until January 1st) and the company docked paychecks for everyone in the company down $100.00USD because the company is having a really rough time. (housing market is plummeting and thats what the company deals in) So with this out the door, we're left with the meager picks of cash going in. I get an extra 650.00 in monthly ontop of everything but now thats going faster than it can be put into the account! We've got stuff going out the door that just seems insane. On the bright side we might be able to pull ourselves out of this and make a full come back, but its going to be a close shot.

On the same side... life isn't going so hot and it worries me what life has in-store for me on my next step down life's road. Things have been kind of hay-wire and i've been getting into conflicts with superiors... or so they call themselves. I've started reacting strongly against unfairness and related stuff. I suddenly get blind and dumb courage when i find an unfairness be it with a boss, teacher, or whoever and beat down on them for it. It hasn't gotten me anywhere but trouble but afterwards i feel slightly better (but later it turns into that great depression..) and although i don't like my blind courage i respect myself for it. Why? Because i see others around me sitting there taking punishment from some jerk, just taking it! They cower down and turn their head away.. nod and beg for the attacker not to do anything... but i don't do that. I get back in their face about it and warn them, i get on their case and rip their world apart. I know have an affect on them and its visibly aparent. I get such satisfaction from it. I hate seeing unfairness, although someone pointed out to me "What happens when you aquire some job and your boss is an ass?" I really don't know.. i figure i'd be best being my own boss... but i don't know how i'll accomplish that. maybe a software store or something... Who knows.

theres a many more to it all but thats the condensed version.

Thanks for reading.

Well, i recently got back into the swing of spacescaping and have been trying to produce various works and fine tuning them to postable quality. However i've run into one large problem!

What is it might you ask? Photoshop! I use photoshop for everything in my space works. From the textures down to the stars in the background. Nothing is 3D or made anywhere else but photoshop, and when photoshop fails theres nothing you can do!

About five months ago when i was still keeping away from my artistic side (what little there be) i traded out my old whole monitor for a new, flatscreen monitor! I love the thing. its a bit darker than my old monitor but thats a combination of it being a different technology and and settings. In addition i got a new graphics card. I went from the skimp ATI Radeon X130 125mb (ouch!) to the styleish but somewhat outgrown Nvidia Geforce 7800GTX 512mb. hoorah hoorah the new card works great. The only issue i've had with it was a green hue when i origionally installed the device. Fearing a busted card i tinkered with the card for a bit and found nothing out of the ordinary wrong. So i corrected the color and brightness/contrast hues and got rid of the green hue. Yay!

So what all does that have to do with my recent problem involving my spacescaping? EVERYTHING! Low and behold i had not touched photoshop much since then and when i opened it this time. I realized photoshop was a bit ... dark. But oh well! Who cares? its probably just a screen thing, right? So i went about my business and crafted a fine planet with clouds.. and water.. and land.. and ok it sucked.. it was a test to get me back into the swing of things. Anyways, i saved it to the desktop and later opened the image file to find the produced product of my hour and a half long grind had been put into a brightly decorated sphere with a vibrant (the bad kind) of atmosphere. The product i had produced in Photoshop was dark and actually nice looking. Few details were given off and only the contrast gave away the clouds and highlights of the ground. However, this image looked as if someone drew down the contrast and jacked up the brightness! The colors were mismatched as well! The clouds were strewn hues of purple, brown, green, orange, and cyan. it was the contrast/hue settings! They were against me!

So i cannot actually figure out what happened. I think its a cross between... Photoshop, My monitor, and my graphics card all working against each other. so until i can fix the problem, no artsy stuff for me in photoshop!


So onto the main life and away from technology!

The new relationship i mentioned in the previous journal has been going great, nothing could be better and there is hardly anything if at all to complain about. Things seemed to have hit off on the perfect foot with the relationship i carry now and well... i don't know about you.. but damn thats great! or so i seem to think.

Not much else has stuck out in my mind. Its all been the same-old same-old for the most part...

Okay, thats a lie and we all know it.

The girlfriend is taking a trip out of state for the next three months to visit family she hasn't seen in over a year.. and seeing as i'm not especially close to her family yet. I'm not going! So, while shes off in California, i'm stuck here by my lonesome wondering what to do with myself! Don't really know what to say.. but frankly.. i already miss her and she has yet to leave. She leaves tomorrow speaking of! and if there were any way possible id stop her from leaving, lol. Call me selfish but id rather spend time with her than her see people i've never seen or spoken to. Okay, thats not true. It's family, and shes going to see them. She needs to. It's just i hate the feeling of missing someone. As we all do, right? So yeah, thats about all thats new.


So.. hopefully that gave you something entertaining to read, if not.. well i'll try harder next time! Enjoy your days for we never know how many we have left! Live the next like it was your last and enjoy!

Good luck everyone.